Cooking with Kuchy: French Onion Soup (Blizzard Edition)

French Onion Soup is the snuggie of the soup world, enveloping you with bread and Swiss in a haze of fleecy onions. One of my favorites, especially during a blizzard.

If I can, I use a slow cooker because I’m a lazy ass. You’ll see that as a major theme of my cooking.

Warning, this may type of cooking not be for perfectionists Type As, foodies, or actual cooks.

Let’s get started!

Original recipe is from howsweeteatsis.com

First, you should cut your onions. I don’t. I get too excited. I jumped right to butter (4 Tbs) and garlic (3 cloves), the fatty lotion to this delight. I use a classy Dollar Store garlic press like a boss because it counts as exercise if I have to use both hands.

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Next, add balsamic vinegar and brown sugar (2 Tbs each). I even have an 1/8 measuring cup for this precise job! Occasionally, I own cook-like tools.

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I finally cut 5 onions. Recipe calls for 4. Screw that, I need more onions in my life. I cut food like a maniac toddler just learning to use utensils which is why when the recipe called for thinly sliced, I cut all kinds of shapes and sizes.

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Look at that mess now.

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Next, the broth. Turns out I only had one packet of onion soup mix, no beef broth or even bouillon cubes. This recipe calls for 8 cups of beef broth. Substitution – miso soup. I often do these substitutions because I hate the grocery store that much. This is a half and half of onion soup mix and miso soup mix. Then liberally add wine (recipe says 8 oz. but don’t let people question you). And take a sip. Maybe another.

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Look at those dehydrated onions. That’s why I added extra real onions. Natural balance will exert itself and the real ones will kill the faux onions and the taste of the kill will only improve this masterpiece.

The recipe calls for 9 hours on low. Jesus. I can’t wait that long. 4 hours on high is fine. These are onions not a baby cow.

20160123_145029Flash forward to this masterpiece! I have had at least three bowls using Swiss cheese (ran out of Gruyere and that cheese is expensive) and plain bread because bread is the background to this delight and while french bread is delightful beyond measure, sometimes you have to make due in a blizzard.

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This was delicious and I’d make it again with Gruyere cheese and crispier onions. Note: slice onions ahead of time. Then ignore that advice yet again.

Story Time from the Bathtub

I’m not sure about the stories of people come up with during bath time but I’m sure this is not how they always go.

Bathtub Adventure Stories – Not for the Faint of Heart

It was a lovely, artificially lit day in the kingdom of Feiduchy and especially so in Lake Lalamama.

Lake Lalamama in the Kingdom of Feiduchy
Lake Lalamama in the Kingdom of Feiduchy

Tony the Turtle paddled slowly with his friend, Freddy the Frog. Daisy Duck and her to duckies, Donna and Duke, quacked away their joy.

Until… the lights dimmed and there was a strange presence in the Force. Bath Bader appeared on the porcelain horizon.

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“This lake has been ruled by you rebels for too long. Now, I am its master and it belongs to the Empire.”

“Oh no, they found our hidden base!” Cried Duke. Having grown up in a rebel family, he knew this spelled disaster. Donna was already diving into the water and Daisy gave an alert quack before following Donna.

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“You won’t win, Bath Bader!” Tony called out. Bath Bader rose from the depths. bath_vader_sudsUsing the force he flipped Tony and grabbed Donna, dragging her over to him.

“Where is the main base? The one with the ambassadors meeting with the rebels?” Bath Bader asked, clutching Donna by her rubbery neck.

“It’s too late, they’ve met and solidified an alliance.” Donna squeaked.

“It’s never too late.” With that, Bath Bader squeezed the Force out of her. He peered around and then silently sunk down into the water, knowing he’d find answers elsewhere.daisy_squeeze_drain

Meanwhile, Freddy the Frog looked over the carnage of his friends and fellow rebels where he had been hiding above the water spout.

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“I vow to avenge you,” he whispered, with the map sticking out of his amphibious pocket. The lake gurgled as it always did, pouring into the dark abyss…

Get Excited 2016 with a Lipstick on a Dead Carp!

I’m always a sucker for a ball drop, possum drop or lipstick on a dead carp celebration for New Year’s (didn’t make this up http://blog.scout.me/13-unusual-alternatives-to-the-times-square-ball-drop/). It’s a time to start over, forget that crazy resolution you wanted last year of getting sexy enough for Magic Mike to quit his day job. This time it’s for reals. Those buns of steel will be YOURS!

Every year, my alternative to the vague general resolution of “I want to be a better person” is to write a list of about 40 things I want to accomplish this year. Some are specific and easy to do like “Go to a Farmer’s Market” while others are a habit like “Take a quality picture every day”. I have never completed the entire list but I always manage more than half of them. I try and keep the list somewhere I can see them every week or so and revisit them monthly to see how I’m doing.

The best part is crossing them off with red ink with a BOOM! and happy dance.

Here’s a couple from my list to help inspire any of you.

Deep Fry Something

I have a cute deep fryer. I have an onion blossom kit. I could be eating that right now! I have a donut maker…which I could then deep fry those suckers! Why is this not a regular part of my life?! Health wise, I’m just going to try for once this year. Any extra times will be bonus.

Make a Gingerbread House

This has been on my list of things to do for years. The holidays just suck up too much energy. Some time this winter I want to make a bad ass gingerbread house. And it will be bad ass.

Take an Artsy Fartsy Class

I see some classes online and in real life  that look interesting. Then I see something shiny. This year I’m going to take a damn class that sounds fun. None of those stupid sounding “How to mold fondant”. You taste terrible fondant, no one likes you.

Stop Being a Craft Hoarder and Do a Craft Project Once a Month

My name is Lisa and I’m a craft supplies hoarder. It’s a problem. Why do I need scraps of a fabric with half naked men in a halloween theme? I should probably use it for a 16th century tapestry, the only kind of tapestry there is in my opinion.halloween sexy fabric_picmonkeyed

There’s a random sampling. Stay tuned for completion of these said tasks and more. Also feel free to post your own in the comments. I’m always up for fine tuning my own resolutions. Or stealing better ones.