Who Needs a Fifty Shades of Grey Bear?

Recently, my friend got a promotion. And not just any friend, but my special smut reading friend who I’ve traded some trashy books with over the years.

So, of course, she deserved a special congratulations present.

She has a great love of Fifty Shades of Grey. A quick Google search later, and for $90 the Vermont Teddy Bear company had this amazingly dirty bear. EDIT: My friend, Mitch, pointed out that this was not my google search nor original idea, his wife was the mastermind behind this. I was merely the executor of the idea. Most ideas are group efforts and this is no different.

Unfortunately, that’s out of my price range for a horny bear.

vermont teddy bear christian grey


And I could do better…presenting, Christian Grey bear!


First, found a teddy bear. Then I went to T.J. Maxx because I remember seeing a onesie with a tuxedo on it. They outdid themselves with this crazy onesie, which has the buttons undone, the tie loosened, and in gray no less! Sidenote: while this is great for my project I’m really questioning the martini drinking baby that’s wearing this.

I cut the back of the onesie and sewed it up to fit the bear. At this point, we could call the project over, however, this is a very special friend and her Christian Grey bear needed a little bit more. I added the butt spanking paddle accessory made out of polymer clay. Further accessories could be added along with handcuffs, blindfolds, nipple clamps, etc. and those are available with further purchase. Suck it, Vermont Teddy Bear, this only cost $7!

What’s Christian Grey without some action shots of his sexual deviance?


Christian Grey loves making his lover look into the mirror at themselves while he paddles away.


After researching Furries, Christian knew he had to try something new and was delighted with the result.

Teach Them Young: Using Sexually Transmitted Disease Microbes on a Mobile


While it may seem weird as a first blog post, this just goes to show the level of awesome and crafty bastardiness I have in my life on a regular basis.

Recently, one of my friends had given me a heart-shaped box filled with not just any microbes but primarily popular STDs like HPV, herpes, chlamydia and syphilis along with the treatment of penicillin. This again speaks volumes of the level of amazingness of my friends. I couldn’t just leave these in their cute box to waste away. I came up with an idea for my nursery. I loath to use the word nursery because it used to be my craft room, however, a recent parasite was pulled for me in the form of my son and apparently he needs his own room. That being said I’ve been converting over my awesome craft room into a den of nerdy goodness. This seemed as good a time as any to get my DIY in motion by combining my friend’s gift into a mobile.

mobile materials

First, the equipment. It should be stated that you could use some high-quality materials for this project, though I will not be. I’m cheap as hell and believe my brain and crafty powers can overcome having to spend money. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. What you can see in this picture are two white hangers that seem breed in our closets, a pair of industrial scissors that can cut through the wire hangers, yarn I had from some other project, the microbes in question (look how cute they are), fishing line/thread that preferably is clear but for your purposes they can be any color you want, and maybe a little glue/duct tape that aren’t shown here. Let’s get crazy!

Decide how you want to lay this out. All I did was clip off the top of the wire hangers. I had already decided that penicillin should be in the middle as it was used to treat all of these diseases and have the disease microbes surround the penicillin. I felt this was apropos for teaching my son his early sex education of the treatment of unprotected sex. Remember, you can never start too young.

mobile yarn step

Grab a piece of duct tape and haphazardly, or as type A as you want to be, attach the wire hanger parts together. You can see that mine form an ‘X’. Feel free to get as crazy as you want with your pattern. Once that’s complete, grab your yarn. At this point, grab the end of your yarn and starting from the duct taped middle of your mobile, wrap the mobile. I did this for aesthetics, you can leave this as naked as you want. Since I was using plushies I wanted to give the mobile that plushy look to it. This took me about 30 minutes to wrap the entire mobile. When you’re ready to finish, wrap back towards the center and use a bit of glue to stick it underneath one of your pieces to hide the end.

Cut five pieces of crystal fish line. Depending on how you want the plushies dangling from the mobile. I ended up using different lengths. The length of the mobile extensions may also depend on how heavy each microbe is as I had to make adjustments to make sure that the mobile hung appropriately.

Here is the finished product. I varied the lengths so that I could manipulate the mobile to hang correctly.

std mobile

Here is the mobile actually hanging in the nursery. All I did was add another piece of fish line and hang it from the ceiling.

My son is already dumbfounded by the twirling microbes above him and I can only assume that his brain is swimming with all the information of knowing what safe sex and treatment looks like when you add googly eyes to it.