Nostalgic Costume Parade

This past Halloween was the first I didn’t dress as the freak I love to be. I went to a masquerade theme wedding with formal attire and masks. Eyes wide shut style only without the sex and nakedness.

I know it’s been a week since Halloween but let’s revisit some of those creepy-ass, beloved costumes.

My Halloween costumes are all homemade and had three rules:

1) Since I would go out in public for the annual costume contest (gotta share this stuff with the world!) I have to be able to pee.

2)  I need to be able to drink.

3) The costume needs to be recognizable to most people. Explaining it ruins my buzz.

beaker_costumeThere was Beaker with the severed head of Bunsen. I love me some muppets and so did other people based on the awkward chest bumps I got from dudes. Poor Bunsen never saw it coming.bender_costume

Bender is always a hit with drunk and sober people alike. There was even a beerinside for my own personal stash in case I got stranded somewhere, beerless.

piranha_plant_costumePiranha Plant after eating Mario. She ran off to be with Luigi, the sexy of the two. He digs the black widow vibe.

man_yellowhat_costumeThe Man in the Yellow Hat with Rabid Curious George was a hit. Who doesn’t love a cuddly monkey ripping eyeballs out?

hellokitty_costume

Zombie Hello Kitty was one of the more uncomfortable costumes but I have no regrets. YOLO.

ronald_babyeater_costume

Ronald McDonald after he ate the kids. What better costume for someone pregnant. On top of that, I have diverse baby parts representing that this clown eats all babies.

After 6 solid wins of the costume contests, I’m a little sad. That time of my life is over. The wedding was a good segway out. I’m not sorry to leave the bar scene and be home by 10:30pm though. I have a feeling I will have something ridiculous next year planned.

Who Needs a Fifty Shades of Grey Bear?

Recently, my friend got a promotion. And not just any friend, but my special smut reading friend who I’ve traded some trashy books with over the years.

So, of course, she deserved a special congratulations present.

She has a great love of Fifty Shades of Grey. A quick Google search later, and for $90 the Vermont Teddy Bear company had this amazingly dirty bear. EDIT: My friend, Mitch, pointed out that this was not my google search nor original idea, his wife was the mastermind behind this. I was merely the executor of the idea. Most ideas are group efforts and this is no different.

Unfortunately, that’s out of my price range for a horny bear.

vermont teddy bear christian grey

http://www.vermontteddybear.com

And I could do better…presenting, Christian Grey bear!

christian_grey_bear

First, found a teddy bear. Then I went to T.J. Maxx because I remember seeing a onesie with a tuxedo on it. They outdid themselves with this crazy onesie, which has the buttons undone, the tie loosened, and in gray no less! Sidenote: while this is great for my project I’m really questioning the martini drinking baby that’s wearing this.

I cut the back of the onesie and sewed it up to fit the bear. At this point, we could call the project over, however, this is a very special friend and her Christian Grey bear needed a little bit more. I added the butt spanking paddle accessory made out of polymer clay. Further accessories could be added along with handcuffs, blindfolds, nipple clamps, etc. and those are available with further purchase. Suck it, Vermont Teddy Bear, this only cost $7!

What’s Christian Grey without some action shots of his sexual deviance?

spanking_christian

Christian Grey loves making his lover look into the mirror at themselves while he paddles away.

furries_christian_grey

After researching Furries, Christian knew he had to try something new and was delighted with the result.

Teach Them Young: Using Sexually Transmitted Disease Microbes on a Mobile

STD MOBILE

While it may seem weird as a first blog post, this just goes to show the level of awesome and crafty bastardiness I have in my life on a regular basis.

Recently, one of my friends had given me a heart-shaped box filled with not just any microbes but primarily popular STDs like HPV, herpes, chlamydia and syphilis along with the treatment of penicillin. This again speaks volumes of the level of amazingness of my friends. I couldn’t just leave these in their cute box to waste away. I came up with an idea for my nursery. I loath to use the word nursery because it used to be my craft room, however, a recent parasite was pulled for me in the form of my son and apparently he needs his own room. That being said I’ve been converting over my awesome craft room into a den of nerdy goodness. This seemed as good a time as any to get my DIY in motion by combining my friend’s gift into a mobile.

mobile materials

First, the equipment. It should be stated that you could use some high-quality materials for this project, though I will not be. I’m cheap as hell and believe my brain and crafty powers can overcome having to spend money. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. What you can see in this picture are two white hangers that seem breed in our closets, a pair of industrial scissors that can cut through the wire hangers, yarn I had from some other project, the microbes in question (look how cute they are), fishing line/thread that preferably is clear but for your purposes they can be any color you want, and maybe a little glue/duct tape that aren’t shown here. Let’s get crazy!

Decide how you want to lay this out. All I did was clip off the top of the wire hangers. I had already decided that penicillin should be in the middle as it was used to treat all of these diseases and have the disease microbes surround the penicillin. I felt this was apropos for teaching my son his early sex education of the treatment of unprotected sex. Remember, you can never start too young.

mobile yarn step

Grab a piece of duct tape and haphazardly, or as type A as you want to be, attach the wire hanger parts together. You can see that mine form an ‘X’. Feel free to get as crazy as you want with your pattern. Once that’s complete, grab your yarn. At this point, grab the end of your yarn and starting from the duct taped middle of your mobile, wrap the mobile. I did this for aesthetics, you can leave this as naked as you want. Since I was using plushies I wanted to give the mobile that plushy look to it. This took me about 30 minutes to wrap the entire mobile. When you’re ready to finish, wrap back towards the center and use a bit of glue to stick it underneath one of your pieces to hide the end.

Cut five pieces of crystal fish line. Depending on how you want the plushies dangling from the mobile. I ended up using different lengths. The length of the mobile extensions may also depend on how heavy each microbe is as I had to make adjustments to make sure that the mobile hung appropriately.

Here is the finished product. I varied the lengths so that I could manipulate the mobile to hang correctly.

std mobile

Here is the mobile actually hanging in the nursery. All I did was add another piece of fish line and hang it from the ceiling.

My son is already dumbfounded by the twirling microbes above him and I can only assume that his brain is swimming with all the information of knowing what safe sex and treatment looks like when you add googly eyes to it.