How To Make Your Own Ryan Gosling

Let’s face it, many of us need a personal Ryan Gosling at some point. Maybe not even every day, but at some point you’ll reach that moment where you say to yourself I just need fucking Ryan Gosling.

The problem is, he’s kind of expensive and a little bit busy. He also tends to keep his clothes on around strangers like myself. Rude.

I scoured the Internet looking for Ryan Gosling standups. Figured that was the fastest and easiest way to get him into my house. And for an amazing $60-$100 I could’ve had a pretty nice looking standup of Mr. Gosling in a suit red carpet worthy. Unfortunately that’s out of my budget and I really don’t need to see him red carpet worthy.

http://www.amazon.com/Fan-Pack-Lifesize-Cardboard-Includes/dp/B00BZXAZBK

So I looked through the Internet again looking for posters this time. I found an amazing poster from the movie “Crazy Stupid Love” for only six dollars.

Ryan Gosling Poster

That’s more like my budget. The problem is it’s only from the waist up. Honestly, for the purposes of what I was planning, this was fine. His legs really weren’t that important.

Once I got the poster, I cut out his outline. Stuck it on some cardboard and then the fun began.

ryan_bbq

“Hey girl, want me to bbq for you?”

ryan preparing food

“Hey girl, while you hot tub, want me to make you a margarita…with salt?”

ryan washing dishes

“Hey girl, I did the dishes in low lighting so you could really see my abs.”

ryan laundry

“Hey girl, I did the laundry and even separated out your delicates.”

baby shower ryan

Since it’s mother’s day, here is where Ryan Gosling crashed my baby shower. That guy. He knew what a future mom wanted!

Nostalgic Costume Parade

This past Halloween was the first I didn’t dress as the freak I love to be. I went to a masquerade theme wedding with formal attire and masks. Eyes wide shut style only without the sex and nakedness.

I know it’s been a week since Halloween but let’s revisit some of those creepy-ass, beloved costumes.

My Halloween costumes are all homemade and had three rules:

1) Since I would go out in public for the annual costume contest (gotta share this stuff with the world!) I have to be able to pee.

2)  I need to be able to drink.

3) The costume needs to be recognizable to most people. Explaining it ruins my buzz.

beaker_costumeThere was Beaker with the severed head of Bunsen. I love me some muppets and so did other people based on the awkward chest bumps I got from dudes. Poor Bunsen never saw it coming.bender_costume

Bender is always a hit with drunk and sober people alike. There was even a beerinside for my own personal stash in case I got stranded somewhere, beerless.

piranha_plant_costumePiranha Plant after eating Mario. She ran off to be with Luigi, the sexy of the two. He digs the black widow vibe.

man_yellowhat_costumeThe Man in the Yellow Hat with Rabid Curious George was a hit. Who doesn’t love a cuddly monkey ripping eyeballs out?

hellokitty_costume

Zombie Hello Kitty was one of the more uncomfortable costumes but I have no regrets. YOLO.

ronald_babyeater_costume

Ronald McDonald after he ate the kids. What better costume for someone pregnant. On top of that, I have diverse baby parts representing that this clown eats all babies.

After 6 solid wins of the costume contests, I’m a little sad. That time of my life is over. The wedding was a good segway out. I’m not sorry to leave the bar scene and be home by 10:30pm though. I have a feeling I will have something ridiculous next year planned.

Who Needs a Fifty Shades of Grey Bear?

Recently, my friend got a promotion. And not just any friend, but my special smut reading friend who I’ve traded some trashy books with over the years.

So, of course, she deserved a special congratulations present.

She has a great love of Fifty Shades of Grey. A quick Google search later, and for $90 the Vermont Teddy Bear company had this amazingly dirty bear. EDIT: My friend, Mitch, pointed out that this was not my google search nor original idea, his wife was the mastermind behind this. I was merely the executor of the idea. Most ideas are group efforts and this is no different.

Unfortunately, that’s out of my price range for a horny bear.

vermont teddy bear christian grey

http://www.vermontteddybear.com

And I could do better…presenting, Christian Grey bear!

christian_grey_bear

First, found a teddy bear. Then I went to T.J. Maxx because I remember seeing a onesie with a tuxedo on it. They outdid themselves with this crazy onesie, which has the buttons undone, the tie loosened, and in gray no less! Sidenote: while this is great for my project I’m really questioning the martini drinking baby that’s wearing this.

I cut the back of the onesie and sewed it up to fit the bear. At this point, we could call the project over, however, this is a very special friend and her Christian Grey bear needed a little bit more. I added the butt spanking paddle accessory made out of polymer clay. Further accessories could be added along with handcuffs, blindfolds, nipple clamps, etc. and those are available with further purchase. Suck it, Vermont Teddy Bear, this only cost $7!

What’s Christian Grey without some action shots of his sexual deviance?

spanking_christian

Christian Grey loves making his lover look into the mirror at themselves while he paddles away.

furries_christian_grey

After researching Furries, Christian knew he had to try something new and was delighted with the result.